Andrew Solomon used that phrase for the title of his book, and it is a great title. The problem is that it is woefully inadequate. I remember when I first heard of it about six years ago; I thought, “Wow, that’s perfect!” But it’s not. It suggests sun and limitations and a demon that leaves you alone except for right around lunchtime.
But it doesn’t leave you alone.
It is a persistent little bastard, always there, always hanging on my neck, making me feel as if I weigh three hundred pounds.
The other day I collapsed and started sobbing for no reason at all. The past three nights, I have had the most violent nightmares of my life–full of torment, horror, bloodshed. If I think about anything other than riding my bike or writing my novel, I feel suicidal within minutes. I want to break things. I need to go for an eight or nine hour bike ride, but I know that when I got home, there would be a dog needing walking, a dinner needing cooking, a paper needing grading, a something needing something that I just don’t have any more.
It’s been a pretty bad year, I guess.
Grief can be a jealous monster, wanting to consume you. I wish I could offer something other than shallow words to alleviate your pain. Ride your bike; pet MuttBoy; kiss Dorothy. Be assured that there are people who care about you.
Time is really the only thing that will help you distance yourself from your loss. The grief will always be there, but eventually it won’t feel so overwhelming. I went through my share of freakouts and severe mood swings. Went to a therapist once, but decided that I didn’t want to be crying more than I already was, so that was that.
Then you need to ride your bike and work on your novel. Well, muttboy does need walking but dinner does not have to be cooked. It has been a perfectly shitty year for you and your response is natural, albeit unwelcome.
I wish I had words to help, but I don’t…except maybe just accept you are going to be grieving and feeling awful for a while and this is what is normal. I think in our society we’ve put an unnatural value on happiness and when we aren’t feeling happy we immediately think something is wrong when in fact it’s more natural to sometimes be unhappy. My mom always says people aren’t meant to absorb everything they are expected to in this day and age, and I think she’s right.
Just do what you need to do – and take your time doing it.
It’s rough; it’s rough; it’s rough. There’s nothing else that can be said about it, except maybe that it’s damn rough. Hang in there. I don’t know if this will work for you, but it always helps me to read really funny stuff when I’m going through such periods. I recommend David Rakoff. And Courtney’s right. Dinner doesn’t have to be cooked. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
I spent Sunday afternoon with a friend who lost her mother to cancer just before Christmas, and she was saying very, very similar things. It’s such a huge pain in the neck when there is nothing you can do but hurt, even if it’s for the best reasons in the world. But it is only right you should feel this way (however bad and paradoxical that may be) as it’s a tribute to the love you have for your father and the vitality you feel for living. We are all here for you and thinking of you.
Let your relatives and friends take care of you in this time of pain.
Hugs, C.
I second everyone’s words – don’t do any more than you absolutely have to, let others look after you, be kind to yourself. It has been a very tough year for you. Take this as a big hug from me.
Don’t be sad hobgoblin…i have too much sadness in my life already. i am not anyone to give advice — i struggle everyday and i know exactly how you feel, and sometimes i think no one can help me, i hate that feeling….But i read once….”look for the helpers…there are always helpers…” so look for the people that make you smile — it always works for me…seek those who make you laugh, and bring joy into your life. You are a helper and your students need you.:)
I wish I had a solution, but you know as well as I do that only time will make it a little better. It’s ok to feel sad and lost. You’re not alone. Remember to breathe and look around you for beauty. Take care of yourself